Self-Forgiveness
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Available at: Gabrielle Jewelry
Photography: Jillian Clark
Location: Guest House Raleigh
Words by:
Charman Driver
For most of my life, I carried the guilt, shame, and emotional pain of being the child of a mother who was physically and mentally abused and a father who was the abuser. To witness and live through the violence and cruelty towards your life-giver is nothing short of a nightmare. Even after mom left dad for good (I was six years old), moved out of town, and remarried, she never once talked about the situation with my sisters and me.
It was undeniably the most difficult and painful time of her life, so why not sweep it under the rug for all eternity? Hiding the pain from everyone (including each other) and feeling ashamed about what happened to our family was what she unconsciously taught us to do. Me not sharing the pain was the only way I knew how to protect her. But why? The abuse wasn’t her fault. Of course, at the time, she thought it was, because he said so.
Later in my life, after plenty of therapy, marriage and a child, I realized that the only emotional baggage I can unpack is my own. It starts with self-forgiveness—which starts with kindness—and giving myself love and understanding. I can’t change the past, so I accept it, and choose to live fully in the present. Living in the present doesn’t mean I don’t talk about my painful past. On the contrary, I believe my past makes me the special person that I am and is a part of my unique story. I have learned to embrace it all—the good, the bad, and the ugly—as part of my individuality.
Radical self-improvement takes a lot of time and work, but the growth is transformational. Once I faced the pain head on, everything in my life changed for the better. I stopped pretending to be perfect and realized a more positive and loving relationship with myself and others.
Something else magical happens too. When I voice my childhood trauma (in a group setting or a speech), it gives others permission to talk about their own similar experiences. Inevitably, someone comes up to me afterward to express related life stories or thank me for my openness. My comment is always, “forgive yourself”.
In my experience, this manner of transformation takes time and is not easy or comfortable—but it’s worth it. Renowned psychotherapist Beverly Engel writes in a terrific article for Psychology Today, “Self-forgiveness is not only recommended but absolutely essential if we wish to become emotionally healthy and have peace of mind.”
P.S. I forgave my father too—but that’s a story for another day.